


The Boys and Their Toys

by Epiphanyx7



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Friendship, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Robots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-22
Updated: 2009-08-22
Packaged: 2017-11-01 12:26:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/356769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Epiphanyx7/pseuds/Epiphanyx7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Thats thing is scaries," Toki said, clearly showing that he was off his rocker. He liked <em>Dr. Rockso, the Rock and Roll Clown (who Does Cocaine)</em>, he should have been completely unfazed by a robot doll that looked sort of like a mutated corpse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Boys and Their Toys

**Author's Note:**

> [[Written for Cliché Bingo 2009. Cliché: Androids and Robots]] Dethklok/Sexbot friendship - LOL. (No srsly) My mind is like the _weirdest_ place to live.

  


Like a lot of really dumb ideas, this one had begun with Murderface. It had begun with Murderface cruising the internet for porn, which was enough of an everyday occurrence that nobody had even bothered to check what he was looking at, until he said "Guys, you have got to come fucking see this," and they'd crowded around the computer.  


It wasn't porn, though, it was an ad for a doll - except according to the website, it was _so much more than a doll_.  
  
Okay, so the boys had been like, seriously drunk when they'd ordered it. Toki hadn't been able to stop giggling, which was pretty much normal for him; Pickles was already pickled, and Nathan and Skwisgaar were playing guitar hero and drinking shots of tequila. Murderface had finished the order form and entered his credit card number, he clicked "Order now" and that was the end of it, because they forgot about it a day later when Nathan started puking blood and needed another liver transplant.

The bot arrived while he was in the hospital.

It had stayed in the box for almost a month before they'd remembered it and opened the package, spilling styrofoam peanuts all over the carpet and getting confetti stuck to the ceiling. The Klokateers had cleaned up without a word of complaint, but the band members had kind of stared at the robot, creeped out. It was -- female, sort of, except the curves of her breasts was clearly fake, with the way she was lying down. Her breasts seemed eerily large, her face abnormally pale. Her lips were thick and her waist was so small that she looked as if she'd snap in half.

"That thing is freaky," Pickles said.

"Yeah," Nathan agreed.

But after spending six million dollars on a state-of-the-art sex toy, they didn't want to toss it back in the box, not without giving it a try first. Or something to that effect, but Nathan just kind of stared at it, and so did Murderface, and Pickles, and Toki seemed a little scared of it. Nobody was volunteering to fuck it, that was for sure.

"So," Nathan said, looking at the box where the sex-bot was lying, kind of on its side, almost as if it was like, dead. It kind of looked like a coffin. "I'm going to go write a song about fucking corpses," He said, and left the room.

"Think we can teach it to play poker?" Murderface suggested after a moment.

-

That sort of set the tone for everything that came after that. It turned out that they could not teach it to play poker, because they hadn't actually given it enough like, hard drive space to be able to figure that stuff out. "This is dumb," Toki said, angrily, after the sexbot won another game by accident (partly because it was a robot, so like, best poker face ever, and partly because it didn't know when it had a good hand, so it just sat there and wasn't even bluffing) and, throwing his cards down on the table, he glared at her.

"Is _dildos_ ," Skwisgaar agreed, leaning back in his seat and scowlling. "Why we not gets rids of its? Is fucking freakys, okay?"

"Thats thing is scaries," Toki said, clearly showing that he was off his rocker. He liked _Dr. Rockso, the Rock and Roll Clown_ (who Does Cocaine), he should have been completely unfazed by a robot doll that looked sort of like a mutated corpse.

"Well maybe we can teach it to do something else?"

"Uh," Pickles said, from where he was sitting in the hot tub. "Guys, you know you can always send it back?"

"I don't want to send it back! I fucking paid good money for this," Murderface groaned. "Why the fuck is it so freaky? Maybe it's _defective_ ,"

"Well," Pickles suggested, flipping through the owner's manual. "If you want to be able to teach it stuff, just buy it a better brain."

"Can we dos that?" Toki asked.

-

Ofdensen stared at the bot when they brought it to a meeting. "Uh," He said.

"This is our sex-bot," Pickles said. "Toki plays poker with it."

"I... see." Ofdensen said. "Well, that's just lovely, but perhaps if you're going to take it everywhere, you may want to buy it some clothes?"

"It's a sex-bot," Murderface told him.

"I can see that, thank you, Murderface."

"What the fuck do sex-bots even wear?"

"I think that they can wear normal clothes." Pickles suggested, throwing himself down onto his favourite conference room chair. "LIke, you know, it's pretty much the same size as a woman?"

"Yeah," Nathan said, putting the bot down into the seat next to Ofdensen and arranging it's limbs. "But it can't really move. I'm sure as fuck not going to be putting fucking girl clothes on it, all the fucking time. What the fuck do girls wear?" and they all strained trying to remember if women in Mordhaus dressed any differently than the men did.

-

They ended up just putting an old shirt on it, letting it wear that. It hid the overly perky, overly large silicone breasts, which was a plus, and it hid the freaky-small waist, which was another good thing.

"Is not as scary now," Toki said, pulling Nathan's shirt down so it hid the bot's thighs as well.

The others looked at him. Then they looked at the bot. And yeah, actually. It wasn't as scary.

-

It wasn't as if they went and like, purposely bought clothes for the thing. Instead, they just dressed it in their own stuff, old clothes that they didn't like, and occasionally they stole into Ofdensen's room and dressed the bot up in his clothes, leaving it to lounge in front of his desk because it was fucking hilarious to watch him freak out.

"Look," He said, after the second time he'd gotten out of the bath and found the bot standing in the doorway, staring at him. "You boys have been playing with that thing for almost a month now, aren't you getting tired of it?"

Nathan stared at him. "You're fucking kidding, right?" He pointed to the bot, which was wearing one of Ofdensen's old shirts like a dress and using one of his ties as a belt. "That thing is fucking metal," even though it really wasn't, it was made of silicone and stuff.

"It's --- " Ofdensen pinched the bridge of his nose and waved a hand. "Okay, Nathan," He said tiredly. "Whatever you say just -- keep it out of my room,"

Which was _totally_ never going to happen.

-

After a few more weeks, the bot was mostly spending its time sitting on the couch watching the TV, and they all ignored it unless it fell over. And then, cruising more porn sites, Murderface made a discovery.

"You can teach it to do things," he announced.

The others looked at him, not sure how to respond.

"You can fucking make it say stuff," Murderface enthused. "Look at this shit, man, it's fucking amazing, it's like, totally crazy. We can make it say anything we want -- and like, even pick out a whole bunch of stuff for it to be able to say."

-

" _You bought it a brain_ ," Ofdensen shouted. He looked really weird and like, uptight. It was almost as if he didn't get that the bot's latest upgrades were the _coolest things ever_.

"Hey," Pickles called. "Do you know how much we can teach it?" The answer, of course, was ' _A fucking lot_ ,' but Ofdensen didn't answer the question.

Uploading the software was easy enough that even Toki had managed to program the bot to smile at him, hold its arms up for hugs. He shrugged, already bored. "Whos cares?" He muttered, and the bot smiled at him and gave him a hug.

"You bought it a _brain_ ," Ofdensen said again.

The guys all ignored him, because to be honest, Ofdensen could be a total buzzkill sometimes.

-

And then Nathan found software for a face-recognition program, and some fine motor skills (courtesy of the Klokateer Software Programming Team), and even a hard drive with like a bajillion terabytes of memory, as well as a variety of facial expressions.

Toki bought it some social learning applications so that it could play poker with them, and Murderface didn't want to be outdone so he bought it like, ridiculously expensive ocular sensors that meant it could pick up on the really tiny cues of body language. (He hadn't thought that one through, because then the bot started winning almost every single hand of poker). But like, it was awesome to watch the bot shuffling cards. It dealt them all in one smooth motion, smiling brightly.

-

So naturally they got drunk again and started on the list of shit that they wanted the bot to say. Toki suggested "Hello," and "Toki is my friend", both of which went onto the list 'cause like, why the fuck _not_? Murderface's contribution was "This is fucking stupid," which made it onto the list purely because like, it was totally something that everybody ought to be able to say.

And then Pickles got the idea into his head to make a list of shit that would freak the fuck out of Ofdensen (he was really, really funny when he flipped his shit) and so they started adding more and more, getting drunker and drunker, until Nathan couldn't read his own writing any more and he passed out on the couch.

-

The bot was incapable of sitting up by itself or standing properly on it's own. If they tried to do anything other than prop it up in a chair, the pose lasted for a few minutes before it inevitably crashed to the ground, lying in an awkward heap on the floor. Occasionally Toki or Nathan would tell one of the Klokateers to carry it around, or prop it up, but most of the time they just left it in the living room, lying wherever it had last fallen.

It wasn't like they got tired of it or anything, it's just that life got a lot more interesting when they weren't sure where the bot was --

And that was because Nathan had programmed the bot to say " _Hello, Charles_ ," in a seriously metal voice, raspy and like, straight out of the depths of hell. Every single time Ofdensen walked into the room, it's facial recognition software would recognize him, and his last nerve would snap and he'd go all bug-eyed and frantic trying to locate the bot before it like, rose from behind the couch to consume his soul.

Soon after he made this brilliant discovery, Nathan actually read through the owner's manual and made a few notes, getting the Klokateers to obtain newer and shinier upgrades and occasionally tweaking the programming so he could fuck with Ofdensen's mind, because what else was the bot for?

-

"Why is that thing looking at me?" Ofdensen shouted, the vein in his forehead throbbing wildly.

"She likes yous!" Skwisgaar suggested brightly, mostly to see the unique shade of red-tinged magenta that surged to Ofdensen's face. It kind of looked like his head was gonna explode.

The bot's head moved, tracking Ofdensen as it moved across the room. " _Hello, Charles_ ," it said.

The resulting freakout was fucking _hilarious_.

-  



End file.
